Cynthia Garcia  00:00

When we think about relationships, we typically look to them to warm our hearts. But did you know they could actually lead to heart damage, or even worse?

Cynthia Garcia  00:14

Welcome back to The Transformational Nutrition Podcast, the podcast that is redefining nutrition as anything that feeds you physically, mentally, and spiritually. I’m your host, Cynthia Garcia, the Founder and CEO of the Institute of Transformational Nutrition. Now, in today’s episode, we’re talking about something that you may not have thought about before, or maybe haven’t put two and two together. And that is how our relationships affect our blood pressure. Even if you don’t think you have a thing to worry about. This episode might just surprise you. So let’s dive in.

Cynthia Garcia  00:53

Have you ever had that friend who makes you just kind of feel terrible about yourself? Or maybe you had that friend in your life and you’re thinking of them now. You know the one you’re done hanging out with them, and you think to yourself, why am I even friends with this person? Why do I continue to hang out and show up and have this person in my life? Or maybe it gets a little closer to home, and you struggle to get along with your parents or your in-laws or your brothers and sisters. The truth is, we might put up with these relationships because we’re too scared to cut them off. Or we’re worried about what they might think. I mean, you know, who cuts off a relationship with their parents, right?

Cynthia Garcia  01:36

But they might actually be hurting your long term health. And if that’s the case, then I want to urge you to reconsider those relationships. You know, when we think about relationships, we typically look to them to warm our hearts. But did you know they could actually lead to heart damage, or even worse. So one of the most toxic relationships that I’ve actually dealt with in the past is one with my mother. My mother was and still is a narcissistic bipolar. When I was a child, though, she was undiagnosed. So we weren’t aware of this. I mean, we had extreme conditions in our home where we lived in poverty. And she had experienced just unspeakable hardships and trauma in her own life.

Cynthia Garcia  02:24

So she was doing the best she could. You know, we didn’t have access to mental health. And even if we would have, you know, there was such a stigma around going that I’m not even sure it’s something she would have taken on. So the point of this is, my sister and I dealt with the fallout. And this would often lead to her being very unhappy in her own life, and then taking that out on us. Even to this day, I get anxiety just seeing her name pop up on my phone when she calls. And usually, now she’s calling for my dad, because I don’t have a close relationship with her anymore.

Cynthia Garcia  03:07

And that was really, really tough. I mean, really tough because, on the one hand, I thought, This is my mom, I mean, it’s your mother, right? I need to be better, I need to have a good relationship with her. But on the other hand, I also realized that this person is literally affecting my well being, my health. Being near them, being near her, made me feel anxious, makes my heart raise, my palms get sweaty, I immediately go into fight or flight. And any time I would spend time with her, I would leave just feeling completely emotionally drained. I was exhausted.

Cynthia Garcia  03:47

And I’m an introvert anyway, so it was already tough. I’m not, you know, fed, typically, by spending time with people. That usually drains my energy. And with her, it did so to a whole other level. And I lived with this for many years, just navigating that parent-child relationship, until I had my own daughter. And we were at my mother’s house one day, and I saw her behave in her usual way that she behaved with my sister and I when we were young in front of Rain, my daughter. And I just couldn’t let that cycle continue. I wasn’t going to let my daughter witnessed this and just realized that she didn’t understand it and you know, just not have words to put to it.

Cynthia Garcia  04:37

I knew what that was like growing up. So I did stop that cycle. I met with my mother and I said, Listen, it’s time for me to press the pause button on our relationship. I wished her well I gave her resources that I thought might be able to help her. And I focused on repairing my own physical and mental health. So I want to get more into that in a moment, because the question that you’re probably asking right now is, yeah, but how? How did you do that? How do you just cut off a relationship with your own mother? So I want to share that with you in just a moment. But first, I want you to understand how relationships affect your blood pressure, because it’s really important that you see why it’s so critical that you look at the relationships that you have, really all types of relationships. It could be coworkers, it could be someone in your community, someone in your family, somebody in your church, so on and so forth.

Cynthia Garcia  05:38

We’re gonna dive into this topic more. But first, I want to share the powerful lessons of growth and transformation ITN student Stine has gained from her studies and connections at the Institute of Transformational Nutrition. Listen in as she gives us a peek into her world, and shares her thoughts about two of the three transformational nutrition model pillars: mental and spiritual nutrition.

Stine Fjelstad  06:07

Life is unpredictable and we don’t know what’s going to hit us. By the time I was 23, I didn’t have any parents or grandparents left. But I think that made me realize even more that life’s too short. And finding the confidence to go out there and do what you want and do what you’re passionate about, it’s worth every penny. I have a quote on my webpage. And that is ‘You don’t have to be a victim. You can use the power of your mind to change your life. You just have to find the key how to do it.’

Cynthia Garcia  06:43

We’ll chat with Stine later on in the show. But now let’s get back to our topic. So it’s helpful to understand what your blood pressure actually is. Let’s start there. Okay, so blood pressure is kind of what it sounds like. It’s the pressure of blood pressing against the walls of your arteries. Arteries carry blood from your heart out to other parts of your body. High blood pressure, or hypertension, is a common condition where that long term force of the blood against your artery walls is high enough that it may eventually cause health problems such as heart disease or stroke. High stress levels that might be caused by poor relationships can lead to an increased heart rate. And if this stress continues for a prolonged period of time, it could be harmful to your heart and to your overall health.

Cynthia Garcia  07:39

Now, you might be thinking, yeah, I get it, Cynthia, you know, thanks for the science lesson. But that’s not me. I don’t have to worry about this. But not so fast. This is the reason that I wanted to do an episode on this because, according to PubMed, raised blood pressure is responsible for 7.6 million deaths per year. That’s 13.5% of the total deaths. That’s more than any other risk factors. Around 54% of stroke and 47% of coronary heart disease are attributable to high blood pressure. And these numbers are rising. So are you with me now? Do you see how important this is?

Cynthia Garcia  08:21

And here’s the kicker, if you’re not already with me, I hope you will be when you hear this. And that is tens of millions of adults in the US alone have high blood pressure. And most of them do not have it under control. In fact, most of them don’t even know they have it. I know, right? Okay, so now that I have your attention, let’s talk a little bit more. So Erin Michos, who is a cardiologist at Johns Hopkins says, quote ‘many studies suggest that emotional stress is hard on your health, raising blood pressure and heart rate, for example, and over time, that can lead to heart damage.’

Cynthia Garcia  09:02

Now there was one study that found that being in a negative relationship puts people at a higher risk of developing heart problems, such as a fatal heart attack, than you would if you were just in a healthy relationship. In another study, researchers found that women with high levels of conflict in their relationships tend to have similarly high blood sugar levels. And of course, they have high blood pressure. And they also have high rates of obesity. The higher your blood pressure, and the longer it goes uncontrolled, the greater the damage. And what we know is that one of the biggest contributing factors to your blood pressure is the state of your relationships.

Cynthia Garcia  09:38

At ITN, we look at nutrition and health from three pillars: physical, mental and spiritual. You know, I’ve talked about this before. I think of it as a three legged stool, and if one of those legs is shorter than the other, you’re going to be a little bit off balance. And when we talk about spiritual nutrition, what we’re really talking about here is connection, your connection with yourself, with others, or even a higher power if you choose. So again, what we’re talking about here when we talk about spiritual nutrition, is relationships. It’s critical to create healthy relationships in order to have a healthy life. One where you truly feel fed, and nourished.

Cynthia Garcia  10:18

Now in general, the people that we surround ourselves with directly influence how we feel. Our confidence, our happiness, our productivity, how we view the world, the goals we establish, so on, and so forth. So if you surround yourself with people who make you feel stressed, scared, sad, or anxious, you’re going to be hurting your overall health and growth, and you might not even know it, right? So again, this is why I wanted to do this episode, because most people don’t think about this connection. So let’s talk about fixing relationships, and potentially even pushing the pause button on those relationships.

Cynthia Garcia  10:58

By the way, I just also want to throw in here that most people with high blood pressure have no signs or symptoms, even if their blood pressure readings reach dangerously high levels. So what you want to do, in addition to fixing the relationships, are also some low hanging fruit things. If you feel like high blood pressure might be an issue for you, you can buy a blood pressure monitor to use in the privacy of your own home. So that’s kind of a very basic, again, low hanging fruit strategy. But when it comes to analyzing how your relationships might be affecting your blood pressure, and your overall health, I want to give you an assessment, one that you can do anytime on your own. You can write this down, you can come back and listen to this podcast episode, you can download the podcast episode, that way you have it. So let’s look at this assessment.

Cynthia Garcia  11:48

Okay, so I want you to think about someone that you think you might be in a bit of a toxic relationship with, some relationship that could be causing high blood pressure or health concerns. Okay, so think about that person. When you’re with that person, or after you’re with the person, do you feel any of the following things I’m about to share with you most of the time, or more than half of the time? So do you feel these things  most of the time, or more than half of the time?

Cynthia Garcia  12:24

Do you feel physically or emotionally drained of energy? Do you feel bad about yourself? Do you feel like you know, maybe you’re not smart enough or just not good enough? Maybe you need a makeover? Maybe you don’t have enough money? Like, are you generally lacking in one or more areas of your life, and that is that kind of thinking comes to the surface when you’re around that person? Do you feel like you’re always giving without getting anything back, that the other person is always taking without really giving anything back to you?

Cynthia Garcia  12:56

Do you feel shunned or like you’re an outsider or just not accepted for who you are, like you have to almost pretend to be someone different when you’re with this person? Do you feel isolated from family, friends or others who actually are supportive of you because this other person that you’re with doesn’t want you to be around those people? And finally, similar to the one right before this, do you feel like you have to pretend to be someone you aren’t or do things you don’t want to do in order to have that person or people like you?

Cynthia Garcia  13:31

When we asked our amazing students Stine what called her to the ITN community and what prompted her to make the decision to become a certified transformational nutrition coach, here’s what she shared.

Stine Fjelstad  13:48

I grew up in a small place outside of the main city, that is Oslo in Norway. It was pretty much just like the forest right outside. And I grew up close to nature. I grew up with a mindset that how you talk to yourself, how you feel in your body, it’s all connected. I would always hear from my mom, like, if I said, Oh, but I’m feeling so sick, ugh and if I was sick, and she was like, Yeah, but if you keep on telling yourself that, that’s exactly what you’re going to be. So I was just like, Okay. So I kind of grew up with that whole holistic kind of thinking when it comes to your health, how everything is. When I started ITN, it was like, okay, you have the holistic approach. You have the science, you have like the fresh cooked science coming straight out. And that was really important to me to be into something that was up to date. And maybe also something that was for Norwegians and maybe Scandinavians a bit far out. People are interested and open in seeing how things are connected together. So it just felt right.

Cynthia Garcia  15:10

It just felt right, Man, I love that, Stine. Look, if you’re interested in learning more about ITN’s Certified Transformational Nutrition Coach Certification Program, why not visit us and download a course catalog today? Head on over to transformationalnutrition.com/coursecatalog. Okay, let’s get back to the episode.

Cynthia Garcia  15:35

So if you’ve answered yes to most of those questions, chances are you are in a relationship that is not serving your overall good. Now, if you discover that you are in a relationship that’s hurting your health, you have really four choices when it comes to dealing with this relationship. So I’m gonna walk you through what those are right now. So the first choice is really simple. You can just accept the relationship as it is, and you can be at peace with it, okay? You can say, Yeah, I don’t feel good when I’m around this person. They make me feel like I need to be someone different, someone better. And just be okay with that, right?

Cynthia Garcia  16:18

Now, I want you to know that you can do this. And you actually can reduce a lot of stressful feelings that you feel when you’re around this person because you’re not trying to change them, right? And you’re also not trying to change yourself. And, by the way, you couldn’t anyway. You can’t change people. You have to let people be who they want to be and not who you need them to be. So option one is accept the relationship just like it is and just be at peace with it, find a way to just be at peace, even though this person does things, says things, maybe doesn’t serve your higher good, but you’re just going to let it go. And you’re going to be okay with it.

Cynthia Garcia  16:58

Option two, you can change the relationship by creating some boundaries for yourself. Again, you can’t change other people. But you can change how you react and what you will allow into your life. And once you set these boundaries, you got to reinforce them. Now the way you can do that is start by having a very open and honest conversation with the person or people in your life. Share with them what you need and want in a relationship and what you’re no longer going to tolerate.

Cynthia Garcia  17:24

Don’t beat around the bush. Make it really honest, make it really clear, make it so they can’t misunderstand. You want to set your limits, share your boundaries, and put a stop to conversations that you don’t want to take part in. And of course, don’t be afraid to cut ties or invoke an extended period of separation if you can’t reach a middle ground. Like if this person is just like, Yeah, no, that doesn’t work for me. You might say, Well, the way things are don’t work for me. So how about we push the pause button on this relationship and we revisit it at a later time. Let’s just give each other some white space, and then come back after a specified period of time. That’s option number two, okay?

Cynthia Garcia  18:09

Option number three is to leave the relationship. Now, sometimes this really is the best course. If the other person’s behavior is just completely intolerable to you, you have to put on your own oxygen mask first. And you’ve heard that a million times, but it’s so true. You can end the relationship either for now or for good. And I want to walk you through step by step, how you do that. Step number one is to make the decision to do it. Now, the Latin word or the Latin root of the word decision means to cut off. So sometimes we say, well, I’ve decided but we actually did it. Because we’re still open to other options. And sometimes we even take those other options, and we wonder like why we don’t have any willpower, right?

Cynthia Garcia  18:54

When the truth is you never really made a decision. You just choose one of the options that you had available to you and went with that until another one sounded better. So make a decision. You cut off any other option, you close the door to any other choices. You can’t go back and forth, you make a decision, and you stick to it. For me, I was really clear, again, when it comes to the story I shared with you about my mother, I had grown up in this toxic environment, this toxic relationship. I knew the consequences of my daughter seeing these things. And it was really easy. Actually, it wasn’t easy. It was simple. It was very simple for me to make the decision that I could not let my daughter bear witness to this. I just couldn’t do that. So make a decision.

Cynthia Garcia  19:46

Step number two, once you make the decision, you have a conversation with the person. Now if there are several people that you want to cut out of your life, have separate conversations. You don’t want to talk to everyone all at once. It’s too complicated. It’s messy, and it’s just not productive. So for me, I, you know, went to my parent’s house and I said to my mom, Hey, why don’t you sit down? I have something that I want to share with you, really simple. You just start by sharing what you need in the relationship, and then let them know how that hasn’t been provided. You talk about the action, or lack thereof, not the person, right? Not the person.

Cynthia Garcia  20:28

And this could be a lot of stuff, right? You know, I shared with my mother that I needed positive people around my daughter. I needed good, solid role models in her life. I needed for her to be healthy, physically, spiritually, mentally, and that I didn’t see her getting that in continuing this relationship. Furthermore, I made it about me. I said, I don’t receive that. I don’t have that kind of relationship. Here’s what I need, and or needed, and I’m not getting that. And I was really clear about speaking to the behaviors and not to the person. And then you simply let them know that you don’t wish to have them in your life anymore.

Cynthia Garcia  21:14

Now, again, this could be for good, or it could be for a season, right? And again, some really easy language around that is just pressing the pause button, you do what works for you. But you don’t have to make it, you know, final if you don’t want to. And if you want to, be really clear about that, too. Again, don’t send mixed messages, Don’t beat around the bush, be very, very clear. Let them know that you don’t wish to have them as a part of your life. And don’t feel like you owe them a long and drawn out explanation. You’ve made your decision and you’re asking them to respect it.

Cynthia Garcia  21:49

You don’t have to be emotional, you don’t have to engage, you can simply stay calm, but firm. And also don’t argue with them. If they try to sway you, you can always come back to this, you can say, I hear you. And I’ve made my decision. You can say that as many times as you need. Now, when I had this conversation with my mother, she made the case that I couldn’t just cut her out of my life, because she quote ‘was my mother,’ you know? She said that, ‘I’m your mother.’ And I heard her. To her, she was my mother. And she played that very important pivotal role. To me, I was my own mother.

Cynthia Garcia  22:32

And so in a loving and respectful way, I let her know that I didn’t need her to play that role anymore. She was now free to focus on herself, to mother herself, to give herself what she needed in order to heal. Okay, so once you’ve had the conversation, when you feel like you’ve made yourself clear, leave the situation in a calm manner. Don’t let it drag on and on and on. This doesn’t serve anyone. And typically you’re just saying the same things and going around in circles anyway. So make sure that when everything has been said that needs to be said, that you wrap it up and you move forward.

Cynthia Garcia  23:12

 And then you get to the last step, which is to create distance between yourself and the other person, right? So distance yourself thoroughly, also. If you don’t, you’re sending mixed messages to the other person. And that’s not fair. It’s not fair to you, because they’re going to try to keep getting back in your life. And it’s not fair to them, because they’re going to keep trying to get back in your life because you haven’t made it clear that that’s not what you want. So put a stop to phone calls, put a stop to text messages, unfriend or unfollow on social media, because you’ve set your boundaries, and now you need to stick to them.

Cynthia Garcia  23:49

Okay, so those are some steps that you can use if you need to press the pause button, either for now or forever, to get people out of your life or to pause negative relationships that you’re engaged in. So I told you, there’s four different things that you can do. There’s four different options, right? One was accept the relationship as it is and be at peace with it, no one’s changing and you’re just going with it. You can change the relationship by setting boundaries for yourself and sharing those boundaries and then reinforcing them. Or you can leave the relationship, which is what I just shared.

Cynthia Garcia  24:25

The fourth option is to allow things to stay just as they are. This is the choice that will continue the stress cycle. I do not recommend it. And I also understand that it’s tough to navigate relationships. Sometimes it is tough to put a pause on relationships. It’s tough to end relationships. For me, I feel that it was necessary and I have disengaged from many relationships in my life when I feel like they no longer serve me. I have my priorities really clear. I have to be good for my child, for my team, for everyone that I impact in this world for the work that I do.

Cynthia Garcia  25:11

And so I make it a priority to stay well physically, mentally and spiritually so I can show up for those who really need me. That’s for me, those are my priorities. Those are where I set my boundaries. It’s totally up to you what you choose to let in your life. I just want you to remember that you deserve absolute wonder and magic in your life, and you’re worth doing what it takes to have that, even if it means setting boundaries, and having uncomfortable conversations.

Cynthia Garcia  25:43

Doubting yourself, imposter syndrome, and putting your needs on the backburner happens to the best of us. Listen in as we chat with Stine one last time to hear how she leaned into ITN’s live coaching labs to get clarity on how to drown out all of the noise and truly understand how she beats herself mentally.

Stine Fjelstad  26:11

We have something here called ‘Janteloven,’ which is you’re not supposed to think that you’re something or you know something. And fortunately, that is like, step-by-step falling away. But it’s just like, getting to the place where I can be as certain in myself and in what I believe in, to think if anyone else says something else, then it wouldn’t bother me. I’m like, starting to get there that I will be free from the so-called ‘Janteloven.’ And I got great, great advice from Cynthia in our business building. And that moment is so on point. Throughout all of ITN, Cynthia always says, first you, then your clients. And sometimes I’ve been mad about that just because I was doing something that made me uncomfortable. But I wouldn’t be without it because I took her word and what she said. And going through everything, like the story coaching and all of the methods that we learn in ITN are amazing.

Cynthia Garcia  27:27

We love learning about and celebrating our students and alumni here at ITN, so thank you so much Stine for sharing your thoughts and a piece of your journey with us. For more information on how you can become a Certified Transformational Nutrition Coach here at ITN or to connect with Stine, be sure to check out our show notes. Now, let’s get back to it.

Cynthia Garcia  27:50

Okay, so a bad relationship might feel like it has nothing to do with your physical health. Yeah, I know you get stressed and you kind of get that fight or flight response. But you probably think, how bad could it be? And it wouldn’t be the first symptom that you might point to, to identifying a cause for a heart attack, right? But I’m here to tell you that it is seriously affecting your health. The people that we surround ourselves with are vital to our overall health. It’s important that you check in with yourself when you’re around others to see if they truly are someone that you should be spending time with.

Cynthia Garcia  28:25

At the end of the day, only you can decide if you should cut toxic people out of your life. It gets back to what’s important to you. If drama, stress or judgment isn’t something you want in your life, then you have the right to choose to cut it out. If the people in your life do not lift you higher or support your dreams, find new people. You can cut people out of your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. The choice really is yours.

Cynthia Garcia  28:50

So this week, I encourage you to check in with yourself and do a quick evaluation of your relationships. Ask yourself if there are any people who make you feel sad or anxious when you see them. If so, make an action plan for how you want to address this issue. Do you want to talk to them about it? Do you want to stop seeing them? I gave you four different options for you to choose from. And I gave you an assessment that you can use to see how you actually feel about this person and the relationship as a whole. Remember, your spiritual health, meaning the relationships that you build with yourself, others and the environment, plays into your overall health in a huge way. Do not be afraid to limit encounters with people who do not be your soul.

Cynthia Garcia  29:32

So if you want more ideas on how to protect and care for your spiritual health and your relationships, head on over to our free Facebook group. You can find it in our show notes, which I’ll tell you about in just a moment, or you can just go to Facebook and search on Transformation Generation. The direct link to those show notes that I just mentioned you can find over at transformationalnutrition.com/Episode006. And if you enjoyed this episode and if you know people who struggle with tough relationships and you really want to get them this information, take a screenshot of it, share it on social media, tag us. We’d love to continue the conversation.

Cynthia Garcia  30:09

I mentioned our Facebook group, you can hop over there. Also if you have 60 seconds and this information has helped you in some small way today and you want to rate and review this podcast so we can get it out to more people, that would be so very appreciated. I know that we’re doing really amazing work here and that there’s a lot of people who need healing, especially around the areas of relationships. So if you can take a couple of moments and do that, that would warm my heart and I would be very grateful. All right, that’s it for this week. Thank you so much for tuning in. I will see you back here next week for another new episode on how to feed yourself.